Thursday, December 10, 2009
The Lord is merciful and provides for my needs and restores my soul.
I realized today that this is all a race, and though I have already won I still need to run and I will still trip. Even when I fail and fall I have the joy and knowledge of Grace that us the underlying promise that thrives and endures throughout every circumstance. Its not that I will win, but I already have.
It kind of reminds me of the 5k that I ran on Thanksgiving day for class credit. My dad took me over at 7:30 in the morning and even though I had to run the race myself my dad was there for me and with me. When I reached the end of the race my dad was there smiling and waving at me, and I have never been so happy to see him. In my mind I had run the race and accomplished what I needed to get done. I was cold, tired, out of shape, and wanted to go home, but my father came by my side and ran with me for the last 100 or so yards to the finish line. Nothing could have meant more to me.
I think my Father, my Lord does the same thing. My job is to run, but He sustains me, He is my hope, He is my goal and He encourages me to finish, which brings a joy and fulfillment that is unimaginable.
You have already won, but your job is to run and God will give you what you need to sustain you to finish.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Friday, December 4, 2009
I am just bitter lately. Resentful might actually be a better word.
I just cannot seem to find a good balance between self sacrifice and the boldness to stand up for myself. There seems to be a disconnect or a blockage that I cannot get past. I cannot get to the point where I speak whats on my mind, and if I do even a little bit it takes a tremendous effort. There is something wrong with that.
This is all meant in the very general sense of just dealing with people.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Sunday, November 8, 2009
But back to my original thought, I was thinking tonight that- everything is beautiful at all times. I believe that thought was derived from this:
I think of time in such a way that what is now and what was and what will be all is and flows into itself and each other and its all the same. like time is in a box... and its all there... separated yet the same because it is contained. and everything that is in there influences the rest. That is why everything is beautiful all the time. every individual part and how they relate to each other.
As it relates to me, I am in every moment at once. If something bad is happening... its ok because the good that was and will be is with me right now, in the box as it were. That's what I thought as a kid when I was getting my braces fixed anyway. Of course back then I used creating a philosophy to reason a way to overcome the pain of getting my braces tightened or a tooth pulled, but needless to say it kind of stuck for every other situation in life as I grew up.
I feel that with these mixed natures of the eternal, and the limiting boxed in container of time I need to live in the present and in the eternal both at the same time. With one foot in the box living in the moment, and one foot outside in the eternal of every moment combined.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
We are meant for so much more than this. I am meant for so much more than this.
"All is vanity but to love God and serve Him only" - Kempis
Friday, September 25, 2009
In our culture we think its ok to just try a bunch on... every one that looks like it could work... we try on wear out and then throw out and move on to the next. The part that bothers me most is the wearing out and tossing aside.
Its ok for shoes... not people. We aren't made like that and should not conform to this ideal of society.
It is such a sad feeling to think that you had something once that you will never have again. Maybe the not knowing one way or the other is the worst part.
Friday, September 11, 2009
I have no one that I can say our friendship is still the same.
I have no one.
No one except for the One.
And that's okay.
I just feel lonely sometimes.
Even though I will never be alone.
"And so it was I entered in the broken world
To trace the visionary company of love, its voice
An instant wind (I know not whither hurled)
But not for long to hold each desperate choice"
- The Broken Tower by Hart Crane
Saturday, September 5, 2009
I just don't really feel like I have any reason to support trust at the moment.
Its not a great feeling, and I'm wondering if it will go away. I hope this will change.
I'll hope for some hope....
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
I was listening to a song today and it put a piece of imagery in my mind and made me realize something.
The lyrics say, "Do you want to see it? The place where I was free." (20 years by Augustana)
It made me think of when I was free, if even I could see it somewhere in my memory. To be honest such a place is very hard to see or remember, kind of like trying to sort through the hazy memory of a dream.
I have always known that I was a very guarded person (which is something I have been trying to fix/ figure out for some time now). But I have also come to realize that something related to the guardedness (though not completely) is that I also have, metaphorically of course, locked myself in a cage. Much like the one Holly Golightly is in Breakfast at Tiffany’s....
“You call yourself a free spirit, a "wild thing," and you're terrified somebody's gonna stick you in a cage. Well baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somali-land. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself.” Fred/ Paul.
The ball and chain is more like baggage and realizing limitations (that either are real or not).
So... to complete and clarify my metaphor here... I feel like I'm surrounded by a wall (that I built), while enclosed in a cage (that I locked myself in), and held down by a ball and chain (that I allow to remain attached to my feet).
I think we are all like that to an extent and we don’t even realize it.
What would we live like if we were free? I think it’s a lovely idea J
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
and you learn that love doesn't mean security,
and you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises.
and you begin to accept your defeats with you head up and your eyes open.
with the grace of maturity, not the grief of a child.
and you learn to build all your roads on
today because tommorow's ground is too uncertain for plans,
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
after awhile you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
and you learn that you really can endure...
that you really are strong
and that you really do have worth.
and you learn and learn and learn ....
with every goodbye you learn.”
~ veronica a. shoffstal