Thursday, December 10, 2009


It would be a true joy for you to come along, but if you do not have the same destination in mind, I would ask for you not to follow.

Psalm 23

Today I had a feast in the middle of a battle. The Lord prepared a table for me in the midst of my enemies. (Psalm 23:5)
The Lord is merciful and provides for my needs and restores my soul.

I realized today that this is all a race, and though I have already won I still need to run and I will still trip. Even when I fail and fall I have the joy and knowledge of Grace that us the underlying promise that thrives and endures throughout every circumstance. Its not that I will win, but I already have.

It kind of reminds me of the 5k that I ran on Thanksgiving day for class credit. My dad took me over at 7:30 in the morning and even though I had to run the race myself my dad was there for me and with me. When I reached the end of the race my dad was there smiling and waving at me, and I have never been so happy to see him. In my mind I had run the race and accomplished what I needed to get done. I was cold, tired, out of shape, and wanted to go home, but my father came by my side and ran with me for the last 100 or so yards to the finish line. Nothing could have meant more to me.
I think my Father, my Lord does the same thing. My job is to run, but He sustains me, He is my hope, He is my goal and He encourages me to finish, which brings a joy and fulfillment that is unimaginable.

You have already won, but your job is to run and God will give you what you need to sustain you to finish.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

I didn't realize that I was such a fence sitter.

I'm getting bored up on this fence. Instead of picking a side I kind of just want to tear it down.

Friday, December 4, 2009

What does it even mean anyway.

Love seems like such a dirty word to me lately. Every time I hear it I smirk and every time I say it, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
I am just bitter lately. Resentful might actually be a better word.

I just cannot seem to find a good balance between self sacrifice and the boldness to stand up for myself. There seems to be a disconnect or a blockage that I cannot get past. I cannot get to the point where I speak whats on my mind, and if I do even a little bit it takes a tremendous effort. There is something wrong with that.

This is all meant in the very general sense of just dealing with people.

Monday, November 9, 2009

No words.

No words could express the wonder of the good. No words could express the disparity of corruption.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

The Box of time.

The way I see it time is in a box. God is not in this box, but he reaches into it, He influences it. We were made to be eternal, like God, but our mixed natures (the created nature and our fallen nature) force us to live in both, or maybe even just one or the other. That might branch off into a different blog post about the choice mankind has to let one nature or the other take over, which would then influence one's view of time, but I'll save that for later... or maybe just not write about it at all.

But back to my original thought, I was thinking tonight that- everything is beautiful at all times. I believe that thought was derived from this:
I think of time in such a way that what is now and what was and what will be all is and flows into itself and each other and its all the same. like time is in a box... and its all there... separated yet the same because it is contained. and everything that is in there influences the rest. That is why everything is beautiful all the time. every individual part and how they relate to each other.
As it relates to me, I am in every moment at once. If something bad is happening... its ok because the good that was and will be is with me right now, in the box as it were. That's what I thought as a kid when I was getting my braces fixed anyway. Of course back then I used creating a philosophy to reason a way to overcome the pain of getting my braces tightened or a tooth pulled, but needless to say it kind of stuck for every other situation in life as I grew up.

I feel that with these mixed natures of the eternal, and the limiting boxed in container of time I need to live in the present and in the eternal both at the same time. With one foot in the box living in the moment, and one foot outside in the eternal of every moment combined.


I was reading over my blog posts and I realized something I already knew, which is that I seriously need to read over and edit what I write before I publish each post. I usually just write at 3:00 AM (like now) and just sloppily throw my thoughts out there and then post... which obviously doesn't end up well. Haha. Maybe sometime I'll actually edit my work... maybe. I should do that with my school papers too. Hmm, I don't know why I have such an aversion to editing my work. Oh well.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Purpose. :)

In this life and in the world we are in our job is in restoration. So, lets"...serve one another in love.”- Galatians 5:13 :)

Tuesday, October 6, 2009


I get very bothered by the vanity of the world often times. I know that I am in no way exempt, but I feel oftentimes that the human race is so dreadfully stuck in selfishness that nothing is ever going to get accomplished.

We are meant for so much more than this. I am meant for so much more than this.

"All is vanity but to love God and serve Him only" - Kempis

Friday, September 25, 2009

Old pair of shoes

Love shouldn't be like trying on different pairs of shoes until we find the ones we like best.

In our culture we think its ok to just try a bunch on... every one that looks like it could work... we try on wear out and then throw out and move on to the next. The part that bothers me most is the wearing out and tossing aside.

Its ok for shoes... not people. We aren't made like that and should not conform to this ideal of society.

It is such a sad feeling to think that you had something once that you will never have again. Maybe the not knowing one way or the other is the worst part.

Friday, September 11, 2009

I can relate....

the children are playing by allie reed.
I have no one I can confide in.
I have no one that I can say our friendship is still the same.
I have no one.

No one except for the One.
And that's okay.
I just feel lonely sometimes.
Even though I will never be alone.

A Streetcar Named Desire

I was reading Streetcar Named Desire because I wanted to read something by Tennessee Williams at the moment, and I love the opening quote before it starts:

"And so it was I entered in the broken world
To trace the visionary company of love, its voice
An instant wind (I know not whither hurled)
But not for long to hold each desperate choice"
- The Broken Tower by Hart Crane

When you get what you want....

There is a special kind of loneliness that comes when you get what you want. Even things getting things you need in life can be a lonely feeling. After that phase of surprise that something finally went right it passes and you begin to realize the bitter in the sweet.

Saturday, September 5, 2009


I have such an uneasy sense of not being able to trust right now.

I just don't really feel like I have any reason to support trust at the moment.
Its not a great feeling, and I'm wondering if it will go away. I hope this will change.
I'll hope for some hope....

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Coming home

I couldn't really see it when I was there. Maybe I could a little closer to the end. I didn't think anything would change. I didn't think anything would get better or be accomplished by leaving on that adventure to France. I was so wrong.
I learned so much. My eyes were opened and I am renewed, which is the best feeling. Not only is is a good feeling (because those come and go), but it is good. It is good for me, and for the people around me.
That gives me the joy kind of happiness.

the best part about leaving is just that. The leaving. Sure to be followed by hard work, adventure, and of course the coming home.
And after all is said and done that is the best part. :)

Monday, August 3, 2009

No one.

As all these bridges burn I find that there is no where left to turn.

I didn't want to turn to them in the first place, but now I don't have anyone.

Which is worse?

I build a wall. Then you pushed me down and didn't even try to break my fall.

"No one really ever wins in Heartbreak Warfare...."

Monday, July 27, 2009

Fine line

The lines are fine.

They get harder to see the closer you get. Sometimes you don't even mean to cross its just close and you trip and fall over the line.

I dare not even take a step further for each line crossed hardens the heart.

I'll love you no matter where you are, but I can't join you to cross the lines.

Just a random thought about life and people in general. You know when you see someone walking towards the line of something that isn't safe or good? Yeah, its just that.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Prisoner to oneself

I was listening to a song today and it put a piece of imagery in my mind and made me realize something.

The lyrics say, "Do you want to see it? The place where I was free." (20 years by Augustana)

It made me think of when I was free, if even I could see it somewhere in my memory. To be honest such a place is very hard to see or remember, kind of like trying to sort through the hazy memory of a dream.

I have always known that I was a very guarded person (which is something I have been trying to fix/ figure out for some time now). But I have also come to realize that something related to the guardedness (though not completely) is that I also have, metaphorically of course, locked myself in a cage. Much like the one Holly Golightly is in Breakfast at Tiffany’s....

You call yourself a free spirit, a "wild thing," and you're terrified somebody's gonna stick you in a cage. Well baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somali-land. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself.” Fred/ Paul.

The ball and chain is more like baggage and realizing limitations (that either are real or not).

So... to complete and clarify my metaphor here... I feel like I'm surrounded by a wall (that I built), while enclosed in a cage (that I locked myself in), and held down by a ball and chain (that I allow to remain attached to my feet).

I think we are all like that to an extent and we don’t even realize it.

What would we live like if we were free? I think it’s a lovely idea J

Sunday, July 19, 2009


So much of life is about chasing after things and especially feelings.

Fruitless feelings, with good intensions (usually/ hopefully).
Happiness, fun, entertainment, escape from loneliness, escape from problems, or fear. So we do all these things and still there is a gap.

through all I have learned in my life... though not much... I have gathered this: Peace is the one thing we should chase after. No feeling can come close to truly being at peace.

I heard this today in a sermon I was listening to online:
"there is a gap between what we actually know love is like, and how we actually treat each other."

"How would you live if you knew that all the regrets of your past were covered with the death of Jesus."

Saturday, July 18, 2009

At the End of the day

when all is said and done I just want "My feet to be tired (and my) soul to be at rest" - MLK

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

I stumbles across this...

“after awhile you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
and you learn that love doesn't mean security,
and you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises.
and you begin to accept your defeats with you head up and your eyes open.
with the grace of maturity, not the grief of a child.
and you learn to build all your roads on
today because tommorow's ground is too uncertain for plans,
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
after awhile you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
and you learn that you really can endure...
that you really are strong
and that you really do have worth.

and you learn and learn and learn ....
with every goodbye you learn.”

~ veronica a. shoffstal

Tuesday, July 14, 2009


Being here in France I realized the answer to something that I had always wondered about, but never really had the chance to see before. I guessed correctly....

You can never be far enough away from your problems and you can never be close enough to the things you love... or so it feels anyway.

"I pack my trunk, embrace my friends, embark on the sea, and at last wake up in Naples, and there beside me is the Stern Fact, the Sad Self, unrelenting, identical, that I fled from." - Ralf Waldo Emerson

Tuesday, June 30, 2009


I leave for France in less than four hours now. We leave for the airport in an hour and a half. So much time to prepare, and now I just have hours and several long plane rides separating me from something that's been building up for so long and that I have put so much work, thought effort, and not to mention money into.

There is so much weighing down on this trip its kind of overwhelming. I am fine now, but I have a feeling like its all going to be a lot to take in all at once. Not only that, but I will have to perform well too and learn the language and take full advantage of my experiences there, which is more of what is stressing me out. Part of me just wants to sleep after all of this preparation (its been exhausting!!), but I need to be awake and aware for the next six weeks.
A friend today told me I was powerful... and even though it was just a silly random comment it made me feel better because I know that to some degree its true. I can take this on and I have my best friend in the whole world going with me... Bless her, she is amazing. And I have God to guide/protect me. I shouldn't be worried. I just need to hold up my end of the deal, and I'll find the strength to do that somewhere.

I feel like I'm about to jump out of a plane to skydive....

I pray this goes well... and hopefully sometime when I'm out of my tired state of this moment I'll find boldness and not worry so much. Its an adventure... and there is nothing I love more than an adventure! :)

Tuesday, June 23, 2009


You came too close for comfort and knocked me down. So, I didn't know what else to do but to push you away. Now you are gone forever.

"Oh brother, I can't believe its true. I'm so scared about the future and I want to talk to you."

I'm sorry. It was the only thing I knew to do.

Friday, June 19, 2009


Is it fair for me to always have to run ten miles when you only run point two??

Sometimes all I need is just to actually know for sure... just to be shown. One little thing would help.

But maybe the silence is telling me something that I just don't want to hear?

"If you love me... won't you let me know?"

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Destruction Vs. Expansion


The more I live the more my heart breaks and each piece seems to sail away to far away places, or I break off a piece to leave with someone as I depart.

If your heart hasn't broken you haven't lived.

Maybe the goal should not be about having your heart so safe, unscathed and all in one place... but rather to have a heart that is able to be spread out and allow love last where it may.

I am not saying that we should hold on to things that have gone and live in the past. Certainly I think that is a very bad idea and would hinder anyone from growing, experiencing, and continuing to live their life the way they should.

What I am thinking about is that maybe being a whole person is knowing where all of those broken off pieces are and cherishing every place that serves as a home to part of who you are.

We fear a broken heart so much. Maybe we should not view a broken heart as something so terrible. Certainly it is a normal occurrence... surely no one could deny that. What if we looked at it like a mother sending her child off to grow up and live some where else.

She still exists as a whole person, but something that came from her that she cherishes and worked hard to raise is now off to live in a separate place away from her... yet somehow always with her. A mother's child is still a part of her and she will thing of him every day and morn the distance, yet still smile and cherish its existence. More over, maybe a mother with many children is a better example... they are come from her and start in the same place, but eventually grow and move out while she remains with a choice of what to make of her life from that point. This usually includes her children to some extent or another... but also involves the opportunity to expand.

Maybe we should treat the broken off pieces of our heart more like that? I don't know... just a thought?

Instead of holding on and inhibiting growth let that piece go and sail away to where it may live forever. Pray for its safe keeping and move on to live and like many mothers do when their children leave home... take that as an opportunity to start over and have a new lease on life.

Maybe a broken heart isn't mere destruction of something good, but rather an opportunity for expansion.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Doll (Owners Manual)

Hello New Owner, Meet Doll.

She is a beauty to look at, a great showpiece, friend, and companion! Her glass eyes always sparkle and shine in the light. For your convenience they will only open and close at your command depending on what you want her to see. If Doll sees something you should wish to hide, do not fear... Doll will never break her silence.

Doll has a painted smile on her face. Her pasty porcelain skin, untouched by the sun to prevent damage, is formed into a permanent kind accepting grin. Soft pink lips to mach the rose on her cheeks. She has straight white teeth. Always a pleasant demeanor for you to look at (no one will ever have to see Doll with a sour or disapproving expression on her face). Her lips could never move to tell your secrets, disagree with you or tell you what you are doing wrong.

Doll does not require any maintenance or nag for any attention what so ever. Due to that fact, she may seem a bit faded at times, but that is caused by dust from a long time alone up on the shelf. If her faded appearance bothers you, just take her down and give her a good shake. At that point you can just put her right back up and leave her to sit on show for as long as you wish. Show her off or hide her away whenever you wish.

If you are ever feeling ill or depressed Doll will always be there, just for you. If you need something to hug, or someone to talk to...your deepest thoughts, complaints, fears, or failures Doll is always there to listen. If you simply need to find a way to take out your anger Doll is small and easy to throw into a floor, or wall. If she breaks, seeing as she would need repair, by all means throw her away. No one wants to look at a broken Doll up on a shelf, and taking time to repair her would be a waste of time and money.

(In short): If you wish, hug Doll, and tell you love her (though not required, and you would probably only want to do this when she is new before she gets dusty). When you take her home put her on your shelf. Use her only when you need her. If Doll breaks throw her away. Don't worry about missing Doll after you get rid of her. She will never be missed because you can always buy a new one.

Thank you for your purchase.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

New Blog:

All the blogs before this one are from another blog that I had (thats why I posted the date they were actually written next to each one). It was mostly like a diary where I would vent and complain and write random things. So, if all of my prior posts seem annoying or like complaining that's where I took out my frustration. ha. 
But I figured I would move some of them over and have a public blog too. :) 

I got the title from this blog from a Robert Louis Stevenson poem. He is my favorite poet I think. I'm planing to post some of my favorite poems of his soon. 

Also... I really need to read Pilgrims Progress again. I realized that today in the shower. 

Coldplay Concert tonight!! :D Should be awesome.

About to take off :) (June 5)

I'm going faraway to a place of my dreams. 

A great adventure... something more than I have ever experienced in my life. Its what I've always wanted, and I just realized its exactly what I need. I'm pretty sure anyway.
 Why have I been viewing this as a negative thing? Fear with a considerable amount of pressure mixed in I guess... oh! and not to mention the considerable amount of money that I don't have, but I'm not going to let that get in the way. That would be a lame waste of things. 

I have the chance to see and explore things that until less than a month from now have been so distant I dare not even hope to dream too much about. I get to learn and observe... something I love and enjoy. To work hard for something I want and to be responsible and independent. 

Why didn't I look at it like this before? 

Through which lens do you view the world? 

Bad Habit (maybe?): (June 4)

"Assume the worst, and you won't get (as) hurt (or surprised and caught off guard at least). "

I hate that I always tend to expect the worst from people... and I hate more that I haven't been proved wrong enough to consider it a good idea to work on changing this train of thought. 

Not that I don't think everyone is bad (quite the opposite really). I just feel like we are all so crooked, even the best of us, that its too risky and dangerous to  trust anyone or thing too much. Yet, I wonder if I make things worse by assuming... I know I have, but I don't always know. And that's just the thing... I don't know, so I always brace myself just in case

I am realizing more and more that this is a sorry way to live, but still....

I feel uneasy when... (June 4)

I can't figure out what's going on, and even more uneasy when I can't figure out my own feelings or what I want and what to about it all. But I think I feel a lot better when I can figure out a metaphor to perfectly explain how I feel. Or song lyrics. Those work too. (Something about how I think... I am constantly thinking of a figurative or metaphorical way to explain or understand anything and everything. I don't like it when I haven't found what I'm looking for yet, or something that fits.)

For now, I have none of the above. Oh well, I pray it will come. I feel like I don't have a good grip on anything good or lasting right now, and that scares me. 

I need to get back to my Love. The only real thing that I ever had, but I've been so neglectful. Good thing God isn't a person, or He would never take me back. 

I guess the first step is fully realizing grace and then accepting it, which is where I find myself at the moment, but just standing at the door. I hope I come out of this for the better and that I will be stronger because I feel like I have wasted time and regressed... which I hate (because I have done so much of it in life). Lame habits, and unhealthy patterns, regress, or at least getting stuck are such human things. I feel so human lately. 

Circles (June 4)


History and people are very circular and tend to repeat a quite a bit. We are always moving, but not exactly always up or down, but more often just around and around again.... I'm not sure if this is completely sad or not. maybe a little. Maybe more on this later. 

this sounds so pathetic.... (June 2)

But I don't mean it to... I think my heart breaks on a pretty constant basis. 

Sometimes I'm just sad about people and life in general. I just feel like there is this huge force holding us all back and we hurt and hurt each other and it makes me sad. 

Christ is my one true refuge... but I feel so far lately. I sometimes faith takes a side trip when life is on autopilot. I don't want to be rushing so fast and so scared that I just put life on autopilot anymore... I don't like it because when I do I let myself and everything important to me fade.    

Southbound Train (May 24)

I've been feeling kind of weird lately. I didn't really even know how to put it in to words, but then I remembered this song... and its the only thing I could think of that makes sense to my mood lately, or where I'm at in life this moment (although, I think I feel this way a lot, but more now than ever). 

Southbound Train
Jon Foreman

Oh, I guess they'll say I've grown
I know more than I wanted to know
I've said more than I wanted to say

I'm headed home
Yeah, but I'm not so sure
That home is a place you can still get to by train

So I'm looking out the window 
And I'm drifting off to sleep with my face pressed up against the pane 
With the rhythm of my heart 
And the ringing in my ear
Its the rhythm of the Southbound Train

Over and over I hear the same refrain
Its the rhythm of my heart 
Its they rhythm of the Southbound Train

Oh, I suppose they'll say I should've known 
Or maybe I'm just feeling old
Like a lawyer
With no one to blame

I'm headed home
Yeah I'm not so sure
That home is a place 
That will ever be the same

So we gather up out things 
And we head out in the cold
And your eyes are where you carry the pain
When I head the whistle weeping 
Its a cry to the sky
Its the rhythm of the Southbound Train

Its the end of a school year. I've dealt with so much new stuff that I haven't been around or experienced before. I'm the same, but I'm also different.  I'm trying to decide what to do with everything I experienced and learned. I feel like I have all of this stuff handed to me and now I have to figure out what to think about it, what to do about it, and how to move on and process everything. For lack of a better term I just feel weird, and I feel like life is going to take off again going from zero to sixty in under three seconds very soon.  I'm scared I won't be able to hold on, or if I do when it ends I'm scared that I'll be so shaken by the ride that I won't know what to do next.

Forgave... (May 21)

I forgave you. Don't get me wrong, I am not holding anything still against you. 

I forgave you, and I try to forget, but  the memory still hurts.  

Its up to you because it still hurts and I can't heal this on my own. 

growing up (May 20)

Its interesting realizing that those glimpses of adult hood that I have always experienced are not only becoming more frequent, but they are actually feeling more like plain reality from time to time. 

Its weird growing up. I realize that I never really have to grow up fully though...there are some things I never want to lose or out grow. 

I know. My Heart. (You Always Hurt the Ones You Love) (May 17)

I know.

I know. 
I know.
You get tired of hearing me say it. 
You don't believe me that I understand. 

The truth is that I know you. 
The truth is that I understand so much better than you think. 

I do not clam to know everything, or even much at all. 

But what I do know is that at the heart of all this distress you are just trying to protect me. 
I also know that it is your greatest fear that I would break. 
But I know a broken heart all too well. 

What you don't see is that no boy, no man, no person, or thing could ever break my heart (or me entirely down to the core) more than you have. 
Maybe part of is because I could never love anything more than you.
Because of that love I will not confirm your greatest nightmare only to injure you more. 

I really should thank you because you have made this heart more guarded and unbreakable than any. 

I don't mind being broken. I don't mind falling on my face. I don't mind a broken heart, failing,  or being wrong. 

What upsets me the most is that we are killing each other and ourselves constantly. Is this ever going to stop? Whenever I try to help is to no avail, or it just hurts, and it seems like no matter what this is all just getting worse. 

The irony of all this  is that you are my heart. You are my broken, shattered, cold, guarded, fearless, strong heart. 

My heart is broken because you are broken. My heart is a reflection of you.

The hardest Part (May 6)

I think the scariest thing for the majority of people is facing themselves for exactly what they are. 

Maybe I'll write more on that later, but its dead day and I'm going to enjoy doing nothing! :) 

What Love is Not (April 27)

an obsession 

a placeholder 
an accessory 
something to be used

Learning and Humility (April 24)

I think I am getting to a place where I am allowing myself to learn.

I want to be cautious, but I don't want to let fear to hinder what I can learn. Mainly I don't want to be reckless. I want to be focused and make sure that everything I do has purpose. I want the truth. I don't want to stray, I just want to dive deeper into the truth, and yet still have faith when I get lost.

As for a slightly different thought all together, I think we as people should always aim to be more than what we are, yet in being more I do not mean losing sight of humility. If we can have a strong hold on qenuine humility and make room in our lives to grow into more than what we are than I think we will be in a good place.

Wrong place (April 21)

I don't think I'm in the right place right now. 

I know what I need I can even see it now. Its so clear, but yet my masque is blurring my vision and makes me stumble when I try to take a step in the right direction. It only leads me astray.  

I try and I fail. I give up so easily.  I need to follow through, especially with standing up for myself and what I believe in. Why am I still so scared? 

I realized that I don't need to be so careful like I used to think I needed to be with him, or them. Maybe I did, or maybe I didn't, but that is irrelevant now. The point is that I need to grow out of that habit. I don't even need to be so careful in that old place anymore. I just need to not be so fearful and weak, and I need to figure out how to say what is on my mind. 

I have been hindering myself for so long that I don't even know how not to continue that habit. I don't even know what I want to say when it comes time because cautiousness and restriction takes over all my thoughts. I am so good at it, but its a pathetic skill. I know what I think and I know what I want to say, but when it comes to it...I just can't. 

In reference to Till We Have faces, I don't think I have a face right now. I have been working on the layers of my veil for so long I don't even know what lies below this masque. I still know, however, that I am like Ungit in the book. I am everything I hate, yet though my faith is weak Jesus still lives in my heart. He is the only good thing in me. 

Thats all for now. I am tired.  

"What ifs" (April 20)

I have a lot of "what ifs" rolling around in my head lately (about the past and the future, and how the two collide). I am thinking about how my past decisions or experiences combined with what is to come (whatever that may be) will affect how I view things in the future. Will it be good, bad? Will I regret? Also, I'm not sure if where I'm headed is where I want to be going, yet I don't know how its going to turn out either. 

I don't want to live in the past or assume that the worst of the future, but I still want to be smart and remain true to who I know I am. These seem very hard to balance.  

I'm just unsure about so many big things right now. Not that I have to know at this point, but I just want to be smart and not fall into a hole. I don't want to get stuck. I want more than anything to be an obedient follower of Christ, but I haven't made that priority and I don't want to let that slip away. 

I'm not sure where my heart is right now, but I know where I want it to be. 

Thats all for now. 

silent tug of war (April 19)

I kind of feel like I am stuck in a silent tug of war. 

This war is only remotely demoralizing and tiring; nothing too severe.  It seems pointless at times, but I don't want to let go. It gives me something, yet I'm not sure what. Thats why I give it a chance and have not let go yet. 
I can only hope that I will win or I will be strengthened from this daily test of my strength instead of only falling deeper into this tired and hardhearted state. I hope I will learn. I hope I will grow. I hope the best will come out of this.  

Back to Who I was (March 15)

I feel so much more like I'm I'm actually present in my life when I am home. Spring break is almost over. It was one short week. I did absolutely nothing the whole time, and yet that is not true. I had a good time with my family, I remembered how hard things are at home, I worried, I cried (a lot, but it was nice in a way to be alone enough to cry), I painted, I slept (quite a bit), and I realized a lot. 

At school my life and daily experiences pass by so fast that I feel like I'm just in a race running past all these things that are going on. At home I can breath and think. I can remember and reflect. Its so nice. Its hard, its lazy, its a rut, but its deep and its beautiful and I can actually keep up. I am the kind of person who not only likes, but needs to think before she swims, but I haven't had that luxury the past seven or eight months. Its been clear to me that I have had trouble adjusting, but I think I'm getting better. I'm growing...I hope. I need to grow up and learn how to live, and make good decisions in that atmosphere. But I am still so thankful for home. 

When I got home I reverted back to who I was, who I am, so fast. I remembered all my past pain, and joy, and got back who I am. I need home to remember my pain, to remember who I really am, because thats who I want to be. 

I can't help but feel like when I get back to school, and my life there I will take my newly found old self back and those around me won't want to accept it, or at least know what to do with me. 

I'm happy though no matter what. I have my foundation back. 

I am "Back to where I was, and I resolve to regain my voice." Even in my school setting in my new life....I think this will be good. Resolve is what I needed. 

What happens? (March 10)

What happens when you are running from and to the same thing? 

Humility (March 9)

I think that about 98% of the people I have ever met don't understand and therefore do not posses true humility.

this saddens me a lot......
We are so vain and self absorbed. 

So far away (March 5)

We should be close, but all we know is Distance...

I can't build a bridge though a wall, but I don't want to tear it down either. That is up to you. Its not my style to tear down. 

So, I'll stand here waiting by the closed door. 

Happy yet still uneasy (March 4)

I'm feeing happy. like things are kind of starting to become right, but that makes me feel uneasy because I know it won't last. I feel like its all going to go crashing through soon. 

I don't mind the happiness not lasting, but the comfort I am starting to feel is so nice I just wish it would stay. 

At least I know that I have my constants.... God, Nicole, my mom, music,  books, the sun, the sky, flowers....with all those I will be ok no matter what. :) 

Blind and lost without any sight of Resolve (February 26)

I just want to see where this is going? 

I feel like everything truly good I had is now lost, and for stupid reasons. Misunderstandings and restlessness. 
I feel so blind, so lost, and like everything I had and worked so hard for is gone. 
How did this happen? What is the purpose of all of this? 

I wish more than anything for resolve, but I don't see how thats possible. 
how did this happen. How did I get here? 
When did I lose my sight? 
I try to regain balance, but I seem to lose my grasp when ever I get close. 

"Crooked souls trying to stay up straight
The Shadow proves the sunshine" 

Wronged (February 7)

There is no worse feeling than knowing you wronged someone. Other than posibly knowing that you are going to wrong someone... especially when it is unavoidable. Oh, those good intensions turned out well.... 

No matter what seems perfect something always hurts (February 6)

the title covers it. 

"The Road to Hell is Paved with Good intentions" (February 5)

This is a saying I haven't heard before that my professor said in my Exegesis class, but it really struck me. It is so true. 

I have the best of intentions and I feel like I'm stuck and headed for hell no matter what I do. I want everyone to be happy and feel loved and I want to do everything I possibly can to make that happen, but I always fail miserably. 

 "I'm not sure what's truly altruistic anymore... I won't be the one to disappoint you...."

Lukewarm (February 3)

What do you do when nothing is wrong....but its not exactly right either? 

I have no idea. 

Like a Hospice (February 1)

I don't mean to be morbid, but I wonder if most people would act differently or at least see the world differently if they had the experience of being responsible for taking care of a dying thing.  

Caring for someone who was constantly in the fragile state makes you so much more aware. It forces out all thoughts of selfishness. 
It was so painful, but I wish desperately to be that person again without the self destructive aspect. 

Mute (February 1)

Why do I suddenly mute around you when all I want to do is speak? When I do speak its never what I want to say. My meekness frustrates me. I have communication problems, and I worry about offending or hurting people so much. I end up hurting them anyway apparently. Which I hate. I hate it so much. No matter what I do, or how far I try to run from it I keep running in to myself. 

Back to Where I was. (January 26)

Why don't we say anything to make it work or to state the obvious. Is it obvious to you? It has to. Though I cannot be sure and I question if I'm reading you right. I've always prided myself on being able to read people, but now I'm just not sure. There is so little to read at the moment I don't know what to make of it.   

I always feel caught in between in the lose, lose kind of situations. I realized the other day that this was my worst fear. Its funny how we tend to make our worst fears come true. 

In psychology the technical term for that is avoidance, avoidance conflict. The kind where someone would prefer to avoid both, but must choose which to face. I'm always foolish enough to think that I can avoid all the negative options, but I'm almost always proved wrong. 
I decided the other day that understanding, and not perfection of circumstance is what makes us comfortable. Right now... I don't understand anything. 

Comfort in Understanding (January 24)

I think that people are comfortable not just when everything is right, but when they understand (either people or a situation). Not that they are always happy with what they understand, but there is something very comforting about understanding. There is a sense of security.