Monday, July 27, 2009

Fine line

The lines are fine.

They get harder to see the closer you get. Sometimes you don't even mean to cross its just close and you trip and fall over the line.

I dare not even take a step further for each line crossed hardens the heart.

I'll love you no matter where you are, but I can't join you to cross the lines.

Just a random thought about life and people in general. You know when you see someone walking towards the line of something that isn't safe or good? Yeah, its just that.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Prisoner to oneself

I was listening to a song today and it put a piece of imagery in my mind and made me realize something.

The lyrics say, "Do you want to see it? The place where I was free." (20 years by Augustana)

It made me think of when I was free, if even I could see it somewhere in my memory. To be honest such a place is very hard to see or remember, kind of like trying to sort through the hazy memory of a dream.

I have always known that I was a very guarded person (which is something I have been trying to fix/ figure out for some time now). But I have also come to realize that something related to the guardedness (though not completely) is that I also have, metaphorically of course, locked myself in a cage. Much like the one Holly Golightly is in Breakfast at Tiffany’s....

You call yourself a free spirit, a "wild thing," and you're terrified somebody's gonna stick you in a cage. Well baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somali-land. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself.” Fred/ Paul.

The ball and chain is more like baggage and realizing limitations (that either are real or not).

So... to complete and clarify my metaphor here... I feel like I'm surrounded by a wall (that I built), while enclosed in a cage (that I locked myself in), and held down by a ball and chain (that I allow to remain attached to my feet).

I think we are all like that to an extent and we don’t even realize it.

What would we live like if we were free? I think it’s a lovely idea J

Sunday, July 19, 2009


So much of life is about chasing after things and especially feelings.

Fruitless feelings, with good intensions (usually/ hopefully).
Happiness, fun, entertainment, escape from loneliness, escape from problems, or fear. So we do all these things and still there is a gap.

through all I have learned in my life... though not much... I have gathered this: Peace is the one thing we should chase after. No feeling can come close to truly being at peace.

I heard this today in a sermon I was listening to online:
"there is a gap between what we actually know love is like, and how we actually treat each other."

"How would you live if you knew that all the regrets of your past were covered with the death of Jesus."

Saturday, July 18, 2009

At the End of the day

when all is said and done I just want "My feet to be tired (and my) soul to be at rest" - MLK

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

I stumbles across this...

“after awhile you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
and you learn that love doesn't mean security,
and you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises.
and you begin to accept your defeats with you head up and your eyes open.
with the grace of maturity, not the grief of a child.
and you learn to build all your roads on
today because tommorow's ground is too uncertain for plans,
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
after awhile you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
and you learn that you really can endure...
that you really are strong
and that you really do have worth.

and you learn and learn and learn ....
with every goodbye you learn.”

~ veronica a. shoffstal

Tuesday, July 14, 2009


Being here in France I realized the answer to something that I had always wondered about, but never really had the chance to see before. I guessed correctly....

You can never be far enough away from your problems and you can never be close enough to the things you love... or so it feels anyway.

"I pack my trunk, embrace my friends, embark on the sea, and at last wake up in Naples, and there beside me is the Stern Fact, the Sad Self, unrelenting, identical, that I fled from." - Ralf Waldo Emerson