Thursday, December 10, 2009


It would be a true joy for you to come along, but if you do not have the same destination in mind, I would ask for you not to follow.

Psalm 23

Today I had a feast in the middle of a battle. The Lord prepared a table for me in the midst of my enemies. (Psalm 23:5)
The Lord is merciful and provides for my needs and restores my soul.

I realized today that this is all a race, and though I have already won I still need to run and I will still trip. Even when I fail and fall I have the joy and knowledge of Grace that us the underlying promise that thrives and endures throughout every circumstance. Its not that I will win, but I already have.

It kind of reminds me of the 5k that I ran on Thanksgiving day for class credit. My dad took me over at 7:30 in the morning and even though I had to run the race myself my dad was there for me and with me. When I reached the end of the race my dad was there smiling and waving at me, and I have never been so happy to see him. In my mind I had run the race and accomplished what I needed to get done. I was cold, tired, out of shape, and wanted to go home, but my father came by my side and ran with me for the last 100 or so yards to the finish line. Nothing could have meant more to me.
I think my Father, my Lord does the same thing. My job is to run, but He sustains me, He is my hope, He is my goal and He encourages me to finish, which brings a joy and fulfillment that is unimaginable.

You have already won, but your job is to run and God will give you what you need to sustain you to finish.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

I didn't realize that I was such a fence sitter.

I'm getting bored up on this fence. Instead of picking a side I kind of just want to tear it down.

Friday, December 4, 2009

What does it even mean anyway.

Love seems like such a dirty word to me lately. Every time I hear it I smirk and every time I say it, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
I am just bitter lately. Resentful might actually be a better word.

I just cannot seem to find a good balance between self sacrifice and the boldness to stand up for myself. There seems to be a disconnect or a blockage that I cannot get past. I cannot get to the point where I speak whats on my mind, and if I do even a little bit it takes a tremendous effort. There is something wrong with that.

This is all meant in the very general sense of just dealing with people.

Monday, November 9, 2009

No words.

No words could express the wonder of the good. No words could express the disparity of corruption.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

The Box of time.

The way I see it time is in a box. God is not in this box, but he reaches into it, He influences it. We were made to be eternal, like God, but our mixed natures (the created nature and our fallen nature) force us to live in both, or maybe even just one or the other. That might branch off into a different blog post about the choice mankind has to let one nature or the other take over, which would then influence one's view of time, but I'll save that for later... or maybe just not write about it at all.

But back to my original thought, I was thinking tonight that- everything is beautiful at all times. I believe that thought was derived from this:
I think of time in such a way that what is now and what was and what will be all is and flows into itself and each other and its all the same. like time is in a box... and its all there... separated yet the same because it is contained. and everything that is in there influences the rest. That is why everything is beautiful all the time. every individual part and how they relate to each other.
As it relates to me, I am in every moment at once. If something bad is happening... its ok because the good that was and will be is with me right now, in the box as it were. That's what I thought as a kid when I was getting my braces fixed anyway. Of course back then I used creating a philosophy to reason a way to overcome the pain of getting my braces tightened or a tooth pulled, but needless to say it kind of stuck for every other situation in life as I grew up.

I feel that with these mixed natures of the eternal, and the limiting boxed in container of time I need to live in the present and in the eternal both at the same time. With one foot in the box living in the moment, and one foot outside in the eternal of every moment combined.


I was reading over my blog posts and I realized something I already knew, which is that I seriously need to read over and edit what I write before I publish each post. I usually just write at 3:00 AM (like now) and just sloppily throw my thoughts out there and then post... which obviously doesn't end up well. Haha. Maybe sometime I'll actually edit my work... maybe. I should do that with my school papers too. Hmm, I don't know why I have such an aversion to editing my work. Oh well.