Hours.

I leave for France in less than four hours now. We leave for the airport in an hour and a half. So much time to prepare, and now I just have hours and several long plane rides separating me from something that's been building up for so long and that I have put so much work, thought effort, and not to mention money into.

There is so much weighing down on this trip its kind of overwhelming. I am fine now, but I have a feeling like its all going to be a lot to take in all at once. Not only that, but I will have to perform well too and learn the language and take full advantage of my experiences there, which is more of what is stressing me out. Part of me just wants to sleep after all of this preparation (its been exhausting!!), but I need to be awake and aware for the next six weeks.

A friend today told me I was powerful... and even though it was just a silly random comment it made me feel better because I know that to some degree its true. I can take this on and I have my best friend in the whole world going with me... Bless her, she is amazing. And I have God to guide/protect me. I shouldn't be worried. I just need to hold up my end of the deal, and I'll find the strength to do that somewhere.

I feel like I'm about to jump out of a plane to skydive....

I pray this goes well... and hopefully sometime when I'm out of my tired state of this moment I'll find boldness and not worry so much. Its an adventure... and there is nothing I love more than an adventure! :)

Talk

You came too close for comfort and knocked me down. So, I didn't know what else to do but to push you away. Now you are gone forever.

"Oh brother, I can't believe its true. I'm so scared about the future and I want to talk to you."

I'm sorry. It was the only thing I knew to do.

Silence

Is it fair for me to always have to run ten miles when you only run point two??

Sometimes all I need is just to actually know for sure... just to be shown. One little thing would help.

But maybe the silence is telling me something that I just don't want to hear?

"If you love me... won't you let me know?"

Destruction Vs. Expansion

DRAFT:

The more I live the more my heart breaks and each piece seems to sail away to far away places, or I break off a piece to leave with someone as I depart.

If your heart hasn't broken you haven't lived.

Maybe the goal should not be about having your heart so safe, unscathed and all in one place... but rather to have a heart that is able to be spread out and allow love last where it may.

I am not saying that we should hold on to things that have gone and live in the past. Certainly I think that is a very bad idea and would hinder anyone from growing, experiencing, and continuing to live their life the way they should.

What I am thinking about is that maybe being a whole person is knowing where all of those broken off pieces are and cherishing every place that serves as a home to part of who you are.

We fear a broken heart so much. Maybe we should not view a broken heart as something so terrible. Certainly it is a normal occurrence... surely no one could deny that. What if we looked at it like a mother sending her child off to grow up and live some where else.

She still exists as a whole person, but something that came from her that she cherishes and worked hard to raise is now off to live in a separate place away from her... yet somehow always with her. A mother's child is still a part of her and she will thing of him every day and morn the distance, yet still smile and cherish its existence. More over, maybe a mother with many children is a better example... they are come from her and start in the same place, but eventually grow and move out while she remains with a choice of what to make of her life from that point. This usually includes her children to some extent or another... but also involves the opportunity to expand.

Maybe we should treat the broken off pieces of our heart more like that? I don't know... just a thought?

Instead of holding on and inhibiting growth let that piece go and sail away to where it may live forever. Pray for its safe keeping and move on to live and like many mothers do when their children leave home... take that as an opportunity to start over and have a new lease on life.

Maybe a broken heart isn't mere destruction of something good, but rather an opportunity for expansion.

Doll (Owners Manual)

Hello New Owner, Meet Doll.

She is a beauty to look at, a great showpiece, friend, and companion! Her glass eyes always sparkle and shine in the light. For your convenience they will only open and close at your command depending on what you want her to see. If Doll sees something you should wish to hide, do not fear... Doll will never break her silence.

Doll has a painted smile on her face. Her pasty porcelain skin, untouched by the sun to prevent damage, is formed into a permanent kind accepting grin. Soft pink lips to mach the rose on her cheeks. She has straight white teeth. Always a pleasant demeanor for you to look at (no one will ever have to see Doll with a sour or disapproving expression on her face). Her lips could never move to tell your secrets, disagree with you or tell you what you are doing wrong.

Doll does not require any maintenance or nag for any attention what so ever. Due to that fact, she may seem a bit faded at times, but that is caused by dust from a long time alone up on the shelf. If her faded appearance bothers you, just take her down and give her a good shake. At that point you can just put her right back up and leave her to sit on show for as long as you wish. Show her off or hide her away whenever you wish.

If you are ever feeling ill or depressed Doll will always be there, just for you. If you need something to hug, or someone to talk to...your deepest thoughts, complaints, fears, or failures Doll is always there to listen. If you simply need to find a way to take out your anger Doll is small and easy to throw into a floor, or wall. If she breaks, seeing as she would need repair, by all means throw her away. No one wants to look at a broken Doll up on a shelf, and taking time to repair her would be a waste of time and money.

(In short): If you wish, hug Doll, and tell you love her (though not required, and you would probably only want to do this when she is new before she gets dusty). When you take her home put her on your shelf. Use her only when you need her. If Doll breaks throw her away. Don't worry about missing Doll after you get rid of her. She will never be missed because you can always buy a new one.

Thank you for your purchase.

New Blog:

All the blogs before this one are from another blog that I had (thats why I posted the date they were actually written next to each one). It was mostly like a diary where I would vent and complain and write random things. So, if all of my prior posts seem annoying or like complaining that's where I took out my frustration. ha. 

But I figured I would move some of them over and have a public blog too. :) 

I got the title from this blog from a Robert Louis Stevenson poem. He is my favorite poet I think. I'm planing to post some of my favorite poems of his soon. 

Also... I really need to read Pilgrims Progress again. I realized that today in the shower. 

Coldplay Concert tonight!! :D Should be awesome.

About to take off :) (June 5)

I'm going faraway to a place of my dreams. 

A great adventure... something more than I have ever experienced in my life. Its what I've always wanted, and I just realized its exactly what I need. I'm pretty sure anyway.

 Why have I been viewing this as a negative thing? Fear with a considerable amount of pressure mixed in I guess... oh! and not to mention the considerable amount of money that I don't have, but I'm not going to let that get in the way. That would be a lame waste of things. 

I have the chance to see and explore things that until less than a month from now have been so distant I dare not even hope to dream too much about. I get to learn and observe... something I love and enjoy. To work hard for something I want and to be responsible and independent. 

Why didn't I look at it like this before? 

.

.

.

Through which lens do you view the world? 

Bad Habit (maybe?): (June 4)

"Assume the worst, and you won't get (as) hurt (or surprised and caught off guard at least). "

I hate that I always tend to expect the worst from people... and I hate more that I haven't been proved wrong enough to consider it a good idea to work on changing this train of thought. 

Not that I don't think everyone is bad (quite the opposite really). I just feel like we are all so crooked, even the best of us, that its too risky and dangerous to  trust anyone or thing too much. Yet, I wonder if I make things worse by assuming... I know I have, but I don't always know. And that's just the thing... I don't know, so I always brace myself just in case. 

I am realizing more and more that this is a sorry way to live, but still....

I feel uneasy when... (June 4)

I can't figure out what's going on, and even more uneasy when I can't figure out my own feelings or what I want and what to about it all. But I think I feel a lot better when I can figure out a metaphor to perfectly explain how I feel. Or song lyrics. Those work too. (Something about how I think... I am constantly thinking of a figurative or metaphorical way to explain or understand anything and everything. I don't like it when I haven't found what I'm looking for yet, or something that fits.)

For now, I have none of the above. Oh well, I pray it will come. I feel like I don't have a good grip on anything good or lasting right now, and that scares me. 

I need to get back to my Love. The only real thing that I ever had, but I've been so neglectful. Good thing God isn't a person, or He would never take me back. 

I guess the first step is fully realizing grace and then accepting it, which is where I find myself at the moment, but just standing at the door. I hope I come out of this for the better and that I will be stronger because I feel like I have wasted time and regressed... which I hate (because I have done so much of it in life). Lame habits, and unhealthy patterns, regress, or at least getting stuck are such human things. I feel so human lately. 

Circles (June 4)

Circles

History and people are very circular and tend to repeat a quite a bit. We are always moving, but not exactly always up or down, but more often just around and around again.... I'm not sure if this is completely sad or not. maybe a little. Maybe more on this later. 

this sounds so pathetic.... (June 2)

But I don't mean it to... I think my heart breaks on a pretty constant basis. 

Sometimes I'm just sad about people and life in general. I just feel like there is this huge force holding us all back and we hurt and hurt each other and it makes me sad. 

Christ is my one true refuge... but I feel so far lately. I sometimes faith takes a side trip when life is on autopilot. I don't want to be rushing so fast and so scared that I just put life on autopilot anymore... I don't like it because when I do I let myself and everything important to me fade.    

Southbound Train (May 24)

I've been feeling kind of weird lately. I didn't really even know how to put it in to words, but then I remembered this song... and its the only thing I could think of that makes sense to my mood lately, or where I'm at in life this moment (although, I think I feel this way a lot, but more now than ever). 

Southbound Train

Jon Foreman

Oh, I guess they'll say I've grown

I know more than I wanted to know

I've said more than I wanted to say

I'm headed home

Yeah, but I'm not so sure

That home is a place you can still get to by train

So I'm looking out the window 

And I'm drifting off to sleep with my face pressed up against the pane 

With the rhythm of my heart 

And the ringing in my ear

Its the rhythm of the Southbound Train

Over and over I hear the same refrain

Its the rhythm of my heart 

Its they rhythm of the Southbound Train

Oh, I suppose they'll say I should've known 

Or maybe I'm just feeling old

Like a lawyer

With no one to blame

I'm headed home

Yeah I'm not so sure

That home is a place 

That will ever be the same

So we gather up out things 

And we head out in the cold

And your eyes are where you carry the pain

When I head the whistle weeping 

Its a cry to the sky

Its the rhythm of the Southbound Train

----

Its the end of a school year. I've dealt with so much new stuff that I haven't been around or experienced before. I'm the same, but I'm also different.  I'm trying to decide what to do with everything I experienced and learned. I feel like I have all of this stuff handed to me and now I have to figure out what to think about it, what to do about it, and how to move on and process everything. For lack of a better term I just feel weird, and I feel like life is going to take off again going from zero to sixty in under three seconds very soon.  I'm scared I won't be able to hold on, or if I do when it ends I'm scared that I'll be so shaken by the ride that I won't know what to do next.

Forgave... (May 21)

I forgave you. Don't get me wrong, I am not holding anything still against you. 

I forgave you, and I try to forget, but  the memory still hurts.  

Its up to you because it still hurts and I can't heal this on my own. 

growing up (May 20)

Its interesting realizing that those glimpses of adult hood that I have always experienced are not only becoming more frequent, but they are actually feeling more like plain reality from time to time. 

Its weird growing up. I realize that I never really have to grow up fully though...there are some things I never want to lose or out grow. 

I know. My Heart. (You Always Hurt the Ones You Love) (May 17)

I know.

I know. 

I know.

You get tired of hearing me say it. 

You don't believe me that I understand. 

The truth is that I know you. 

The truth is that I understand so much better than you think. 

I do not clam to know everything, or even much at all. 

But what I do know is that at the heart of all this distress you are just trying to protect me. 

I also know that it is your greatest fear that I would break. 

But I know a broken heart all too well. 

What you don't see is that no boy, no man, no person, or thing could ever break my heart (or me entirely down to the core) more than you have. 

 

Maybe part of is because I could never love anything more than you.

Because of that love I will not confirm your greatest nightmare only to injure you more. 

I really should thank you because you have made this heart more guarded and unbreakable than any. 

I don't mind being broken. I don't mind falling on my face. I don't mind a broken heart, failing,  or being wrong. 

What upsets me the most is that we are killing each other and ourselves constantly. Is this ever going to stop? Whenever I try to help is to no avail, or it just hurts, and it seems like no matter what this is all just getting worse. 

The irony of all this  is that you are my heart. You are my broken, shattered, cold, guarded, fearless, strong heart. 

My heart is broken because you are broken. My heart is a reflection of you.

The hardest Part (May 6)

I think the scariest thing for the majority of people is facing themselves for exactly what they are. 

Maybe I'll write more on that later, but its dead day and I'm going to enjoy doing nothing! :) 

What Love is Not (April 27)

an obsession 

a placeholder 

an accessory 

something to be used

Learning and Humility (April 24)

I think I am getting to a place where I am allowing myself to learn.

I want to be cautious, but I don't want to let fear to hinder what I can learn. Mainly I don't want to be reckless. I want to be focused and make sure that everything I do has purpose. I want the truth. I don't want to stray, I just want to dive deeper into the truth, and yet still have faith when I get lost.

As for a slightly different thought all together, I think we as people should always aim to be more than what we are, yet in being more I do not mean losing sight of humility. If we can have a strong hold on qenuine humility and make room in our lives to grow into more than what we are than I think we will be in a good place.

Wrong place (April 21)

I don't think I'm in the right place right now. 

I know what I need I can even see it now. Its so clear, but yet my masque is blurring my vision and makes me stumble when I try to take a step in the right direction. It only leads me astray.  

I try and I fail. I give up so easily.  I need to follow through, especially with standing up for myself and what I believe in. Why am I still so scared? 

I realized that I don't need to be so careful like I used to think I needed to be with him, or them. Maybe I did, or maybe I didn't, but that is irrelevant now. The point is that I need to grow out of that habit. I don't even need to be so careful in that old place anymore. I just need to not be so fearful and weak, and I need to figure out how to say what is on my mind. 

I have been hindering myself for so long that I don't even know how not to continue that habit. I don't even know what I want to say when it comes time because cautiousness and restriction takes over all my thoughts. I am so good at it, but its a pathetic skill. I know what I think and I know what I want to say, but when it comes to it...I just can't. 

In reference to Till We Have faces, I don't think I have a face right now. I have been working on the layers of my veil for so long I don't even know what lies below this masque. I still know, however, that I am like Ungit in the book. I am everything I hate, yet though my faith is weak Jesus still lives in my heart. He is the only good thing in me. 

Thats all for now. I am tired.  

"What ifs" (April 20)

I have a lot of "what ifs" rolling around in my head lately (about the past and the future, and how the two collide). I am thinking about how my past decisions or experiences combined with what is to come (whatever that may be) will affect how I view things in the future. Will it be good, bad? Will I regret? Also, I'm not sure if where I'm headed is where I want to be going, yet I don't know how its going to turn out either. 

I don't want to live in the past or assume that the worst of the future, but I still want to be smart and remain true to who I know I am. These seem very hard to balance.  

I'm just unsure about so many big things right now. Not that I have to know at this point, but I just want to be smart and not fall into a hole. I don't want to get stuck. I want more than anything to be an obedient follower of Christ, but I haven't made that priority and I don't want to let that slip away. 

I'm not sure where my heart is right now, but I know where I want it to be. 

Thats all for now. 

silent tug of war (April 19)

I kind of feel like I am stuck in a silent tug of war. 

This war is only remotely demoralizing and tiring; nothing too severe.  It seems pointless at times, but I don't want to let go. It gives me something, yet I'm not sure what. Thats why I give it a chance and have not let go yet. 

I can only hope that I will win or I will be strengthened from this daily test of my strength instead of only falling deeper into this tired and hardhearted state. I hope I will learn. I hope I will grow. I hope the best will come out of this.  

Back to Who I was (March 15)

I feel so much more like I'm living...like I'm actually present in my life when I am home. Spring break is almost over. It was one short week. I did absolutely nothing the whole time, and yet that is not true. I had a good time with my family, I remembered how hard things are at home, I worried, I cried (a lot, but it was nice in a way to be alone enough to cry), I painted, I slept (quite a bit), and I realized a lot. 

At school my life and daily experiences pass by so fast that I feel like I'm just in a race running past all these things that are going on. At home I can breath and think. I can remember and reflect. Its so nice. Its hard, its lazy, its a rut, but its deep and its beautiful and I can actually keep up. I am the kind of person who not only likes, but needs to think before she swims, but I haven't had that luxury the past seven or eight months. Its been clear to me that I have had trouble adjusting, but I think I'm getting better. I'm growing...I hope. I need to grow up and learn how to live, and make good decisions in that atmosphere. But I am still so thankful for home. 

When I got home I reverted back to who I was, who I am, so fast. I remembered all my past pain, and joy, and got back who I am. I need home to remember my pain, to remember who I really am, because thats who I want to be. 

I can't help but feel like when I get back to school, and my life there I will take my newly found old self back and those around me won't want to accept it, or at least know what to do with me. 

I'm happy though no matter what. I have my foundation back. 

I am "Back to where I was, and I resolve to regain my voice." Even in my school setting in my new life....I think this will be good. Resolve is what I needed. 

What happens? (March 10)

What happens when you are running from and to the same thing? 

Humility (March 9)

I think that about 98% of the people I have ever met don't understand and therefore do not posses true humility.

this saddens me a lot......

We are so vain and self absorbed. 

So far away (March 5)

We should be close, but all we know is Distance...

I can't build a bridge though a wall, but I don't want to tear it down either. That is up to you. Its not my style to tear down. 

So, I'll stand here waiting by the closed door. 

Happy yet still uneasy (March 4)

I'm feeing happy. like things are kind of starting to become right, but that makes me feel uneasy because I know it won't last. I feel like its all going to go crashing through soon. 

I don't mind the happiness not lasting, but the comfort I am starting to feel is so nice I just wish it would stay. 

At least I know that I have my constants.... God, Nicole, my mom, music,  books, the sun, the sky, flowers....with all those I will be ok no matter what. :) 

Blind and lost without any sight of Resolve (February 26)

I just want to see where this is going? 

I feel like everything truly good I had is now lost, and for stupid reasons. Misunderstandings and restlessness. 

I feel so blind, so lost, and like everything I had and worked so hard for is gone. 

How did this happen? What is the purpose of all of this? 

I wish more than anything for resolve, but I don't see how thats possible. 

how did this happen. How did I get here? 

When did I lose my sight? 

I try to regain balance, but I seem to lose my grasp when ever I get close. 

"Crooked souls trying to stay up straight

The Shadow proves the sunshine" 

Wronged (February 7)

There is no worse feeling than knowing you wronged someone. Other than posibly knowing that you are going to wrong someone... especially when it is unavoidable. Oh, those good intensions turned out well.... 

No matter what seems perfect something always hurts (February 6)

the title covers it. 

"The Road to Hell is Paved with Good intentions" (February 5)

This is a saying I haven't heard before that my professor said in my Exegesis class, but it really struck me. It is so true. 

I have the best of intentions and I feel like I'm stuck and headed for hell no matter what I do. I want everyone to be happy and feel loved and I want to do everything I possibly can to make that happen, but I always fail miserably. 

 "I'm not sure what's truly altruistic anymore... I won't be the one to disappoint you...."

Lukewarm (February 3)

What do you do when nothing is wrong....but its not exactly right either? 

I have no idea. 

Like a Hospice (February 1)

I don't mean to be morbid, but I wonder if most people would act differently or at least see the world differently if they had the experience of being responsible for taking care of a dying thing.  

Caring for someone who was constantly in the fragile state makes you so much more aware. It forces out all thoughts of selfishness. 

It was so painful, but I wish desperately to be that person again without the self destructive aspect. 

Mute (February 1)

Why do I suddenly mute around you when all I want to do is speak? When I do speak its never what I want to say. My meekness frustrates me. I have communication problems, and I worry about offending or hurting people so much. I end up hurting them anyway apparently. Which I hate. I hate it so much. No matter what I do, or how far I try to run from it I keep running in to myself. 

Back to Where I was. (January 26)

Why don't we say anything to make it work or to state the obvious. Is it obvious to you? It has to. Though I cannot be sure and I question if I'm reading you right. I've always prided myself on being able to read people, but now I'm just not sure. There is so little to read at the moment I don't know what to make of it.   

I always feel caught in between in the lose, lose kind of situations. I realized the other day that this was my worst fear. Its funny how we tend to make our worst fears come true. 

In psychology the technical term for that is avoidance, avoidance conflict. The kind where someone would prefer to avoid both, but must choose which to face. I'm always foolish enough to think that I can avoid all the negative options, but I'm almost always proved wrong. 

I decided the other day that understanding, and not perfection of circumstance is what makes us comfortable. Right now... I don't understand anything. 

Comfort in Understanding (January 24)

I think that people are comfortable not just when everything is right, but when they understand (either people or a situation). Not that they are always happy with what they understand, but there is something very comforting about understanding. There is a sense of security.