Saturday, June 6, 2009

Wrong place (April 21)

I don't think I'm in the right place right now. 

I know what I need I can even see it now. Its so clear, but yet my masque is blurring my vision and makes me stumble when I try to take a step in the right direction. It only leads me astray.  

I try and I fail. I give up so easily.  I need to follow through, especially with standing up for myself and what I believe in. Why am I still so scared? 

I realized that I don't need to be so careful like I used to think I needed to be with him, or them. Maybe I did, or maybe I didn't, but that is irrelevant now. The point is that I need to grow out of that habit. I don't even need to be so careful in that old place anymore. I just need to not be so fearful and weak, and I need to figure out how to say what is on my mind. 

I have been hindering myself for so long that I don't even know how not to continue that habit. I don't even know what I want to say when it comes time because cautiousness and restriction takes over all my thoughts. I am so good at it, but its a pathetic skill. I know what I think and I know what I want to say, but when it comes to it...I just can't. 

In reference to Till We Have faces, I don't think I have a face right now. I have been working on the layers of my veil for so long I don't even know what lies below this masque. I still know, however, that I am like Ungit in the book. I am everything I hate, yet though my faith is weak Jesus still lives in my heart. He is the only good thing in me. 

Thats all for now. I am tired.  

No comments:

Post a Comment