Saturday, June 6, 2009

Back to Who I was (March 15)

I feel so much more like I'm I'm actually present in my life when I am home. Spring break is almost over. It was one short week. I did absolutely nothing the whole time, and yet that is not true. I had a good time with my family, I remembered how hard things are at home, I worried, I cried (a lot, but it was nice in a way to be alone enough to cry), I painted, I slept (quite a bit), and I realized a lot. 

At school my life and daily experiences pass by so fast that I feel like I'm just in a race running past all these things that are going on. At home I can breath and think. I can remember and reflect. Its so nice. Its hard, its lazy, its a rut, but its deep and its beautiful and I can actually keep up. I am the kind of person who not only likes, but needs to think before she swims, but I haven't had that luxury the past seven or eight months. Its been clear to me that I have had trouble adjusting, but I think I'm getting better. I'm growing...I hope. I need to grow up and learn how to live, and make good decisions in that atmosphere. But I am still so thankful for home. 

When I got home I reverted back to who I was, who I am, so fast. I remembered all my past pain, and joy, and got back who I am. I need home to remember my pain, to remember who I really am, because thats who I want to be. 

I can't help but feel like when I get back to school, and my life there I will take my newly found old self back and those around me won't want to accept it, or at least know what to do with me. 

I'm happy though no matter what. I have my foundation back. 

I am "Back to where I was, and I resolve to regain my voice." Even in my school setting in my new life....I think this will be good. Resolve is what I needed. 

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